8/31/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Remnants of Katrina. Gas to go up $1.20/gallon within a week's time because gulf coast refineries were hit in storm. Daughter starting school in a new school district this week. First packet is done.

Yeah, like I really have problems. Relax, Caron, at least you have a home to go to. Nothing like getting hit with a dose of perspective.

8/30/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/29/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks. --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

8/28/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/27/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Dinner at Uno's with Dave and Lance.

8/26/05 Portrait

I get bored with how I see myself. It's interesting to see how others see me, so I asked my husband to take my photograph today. Relinquishing control is a hard thing for me to do, but it does allow me to relax a bit when I am able to let go.

8/25/05 Self Portrait of the Day

The daily ritual.

8/24/05 Self Portrait of the Day

I think images of me in motion or a series of images showing progression are more of what I'm about than just a single still is. The more images there are of me, the more that can be discerned about me - I'm not an instant, but many instances. I'm not any one look, one emotion, or one mindset all the time. I need to be in motion - to always be going somewhere - all the time. My idea of hell is to be aimless.

8/23/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Farewell Ride

Farewell Ride
- Beck

Two white horses in a line carrying me to my burying
ground some need diamonds some need love some need
     cards some need luck
some need dollar bills lining their clothes
all I need is all I need is two white horses in a line taking me for my farewell ride some may say this might be
     your last farewell ride
I don’t see the face of
kindness I don’t hear the
mission bells I don’t smell
the morning roses all I see
is all I see is
two
white horses in
a line
carrying me to my burying
ground
some may say this might
     be
your
last farewell ride

8/22/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/21/05 Self Portrait of the Day

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Anatole France

8/20/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/19/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/15/05 Proof Sheet

As requested, these are the images I shot for my daily self portrait on Monday. I chose the first one and almost chose the second one because my face wasn't discernable in either. This beauty thing pisses me off because I allow my fabricated ideas of it rule me instead of just accepting who I am. Imogen Cunningham has a quote somewhere stating how she wasn't a great beauty, but her work sure was. Any thoughts on what beauty is?

8/18/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/17/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/16/05 Self Portrait of the Day #2

I get my eyes from my father's side of the family.

8/16/05 Self Portrait of the Day

From my aunt's genealogical research, I know that I have English ancestry. From my freckles, I bet there's a bit of Irish in there as well. My dad and I will both be doing the cheek swabs for the genographic project just after his 70th birthday on Labor Day weekend. It will be cool to find out our ancient paths. I'll take pictures of the process and post them.

8/15/05 Self Portrait of the Day

8/14/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Thought: "If pictures cannot be understood without knowing details of the artist's private life, then that is a reason for faulting them; major art, by definition, can stand independent of it's maker."

Robert Adams
Beauty in Photography

The current piece I'm working on now could be seen as very personal. It's a cross between being a documentary photograph and being a memento mori. Some of the presentations I saw at the residency were, in my estimation, too personal to be relatable and I don't want to fall into the trap of having my MFA be personal therapy. Yes, I concede that the learning process can (and should) open one's eyes to personal growth and understanding, but the extremely personal should be used as exercises only in the process of creating art. That's how I see this blog - as a personal exercise to understand myself better. In that sense, I guess I'm acting as my own therapist.

8/13/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Most of the pictures I have been including in this thing have been thought out and orchestrated - many pictures taken before I find one that is acceptable to me. Some days it's too much to focus on the process of making an image because there are just too many other things needing my attention, so a snapshot has to suffice sometimes.

It takes a lot for me to like an image of myself and this one is difficult for me to post because I see my age. But this whole exercise is so I can get used to seeing myself and get over it. I think photographs of me in motion tell more about me than stills - I see them as being more about an emotion rather than capturing a likeness.

8/12/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Me, my husband, and our vibrating bug.

8/11/05 Self Portrait of the Day

I'm going to take part in the genographic project so I can learn my ancient genetic heritage. I've always been fascinated by things with distant history - old pictures of people, abandoned buildings, early civilizations. I'm also interested in how we overcome the human struggle to become stronger people. I've had personal struggle that I have dealt with, but as far as I know I haven't been touched by anything that even closely resembles a holocaust, slavery, or war. I wonder what makes me persist - what gives me drive. Nietzche said "he who has a why to live can bear with almost any how." What is my why? I think it's mostly about the possibility of connections and where they will take me in terms of human emotion and understanding. There is always more to do, to experience, to become. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a Nietzche quote (along with Tom Petty's Wildflowers) that helped me deal with my daughter's death: "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."

8/10/05 Self Portrait of the Day

"Pauly, more wine, more wine." Anyone familiar with this line spoken by Clemenza in The Godfather? Well, when David and I go to Pauli's in Tilton, NH to have breakfast the line becomes "Pauli, more coffee, more coffee." Another coffee quote is from Steve Buscemi's character, Mr. Pink, in Resevoir Dogs - "I expect my cup to be filled six times." It seems there are a lot of film quotes about food that have become standard conversational hors d'oeuvres when we go out to eat. Take Pulp Fiction for example. Samuel L. Jackson, after taking a bite out of another character's hamburger states "This IS a tasty burger" - a phrase David and I use to express our delite in the taste of almost any food that is pleasant to the palate. Bruce Willis's girlfriend in the same film wants "blueberry pancakes" for breakfast and his pet name for her is "Lemon Pie". Even Silence of the Lambs makes reference to chianti and fava beans ... fa, fa, fa, fa, fa.

8/9/05 Self Portrait of the Day

I thought still-lifes in art were about an awareness of the ephemeral. I'm seeing, though, that that idea is the surface of what they are about - the impersonal - the archetypical. After reflecting on the items I choose for my still-lifes I see that a greater percentage of what I place in them are personal - each element has a story to it. Each part is a moment in my life that I don't want to lose. My images are not didactic, but rather attempts to retrieve something irretrievable. In his book Still Life with Oysters and Lemon Mark Doty says about the still life that "all it's particulars [are] distilled into an aura of intimacy". It's that intimacy I'm trying to hold on to.

8/8/05 Self Portrait of the Day

First time putting digital camera on tripod and using timer. Remember Peter saying that we learn when we are in pain. Thought about going to the cemetery and photographing myself at my children's graves, but thought that was too much. I've been to that place (physically and psychologically) before and seems like I should be past that pain now. I want to connect with others who have gotten beyond their pain - who have become stronger to spite the bullshit that life has thrown at them. Life is pretty damn amazing if it's looked at in the right way. My goal in life used to be to become a wise old woman. Now it's to be present to the process of becoming a wise old woman.

8/7/05 Self Portrait of the Day

Contemplative mood today. Listening to The Doors' Waiting for the Sun. Concerned with raising the bar for my G3 and G5 presentations. No prima donna grandstanding for me. I want to be professional and take myself seriously. I know it's one thing to criticize and another to actually present. Hopefully I will have what it takes to stand out in a good way.

Scanning for Martha Sharp project today. Read Still Life with Oysters and Lemon later. This book is beautifully written. I read half of it out loud while waiting with a friend for his flight at the airport. I haven't read aloud to that extent since my daughter was small.

8/6/05 Self Portrait of the Day

First full day back from the G2 residency and David, my husband, and I are spending the day together. We go out to breakfast, hang out at the outlet mall, go to Home Depot to pick up a new door knob set for the front door, get a pizza for dinner, and then home for the evening. We don't often get to indulge in time together since we both have full schedules, so today is a time for catching up, comparing notes of Goddard experiences (David has his MFA-CW), and connecting on many levels.